Gene Owens' take on who's best to take the 3 a.m. call

At 71, McCain will be up at 3 a.m.

By Gene Owens

It has just been brought to my attention that John McCain is my age -- 71 -- and is, in the eyes of many, too old to be president.

I'm not passing judgment on the qualifications of those two young whipper-snappers who are contending for the right to oppose him in November. But don't put the old boy down just because he's old.

For example, whom would you want to answer the telephone at 3 o'clock in the morning: A man who is already awake and on his way to the bathroom, or a young person who has to be roused from a sound sleep? I'd wager that the older guy will answer the phone with a clearer head and a greater sense of urgency. He'll be able to take the call in stride, especially if he's using a cordless telephone.

McCain has been criticized for mental slips in front of the microphone. For instance, he recently seemed to imply that the war in Iraq is all about oil when everyone knows it's all about weapons of mass destruction. If it were all about oil, we'd be helping ourselves to Iraq's vast petroleum reservoir, and gasoline prices would be down to $1 a gallon, give or take the amount of the federal gasoline tax.

As a septuagenarian (it took me 70 years to learn to spell that), I can tell you that age does make a difference to the mind. It makes you a lot more sensible. You'd never catch me ducking into the space between two semis on I-85 at 90 miles per hour when the space between them is no greater than the length of a downtown parallel parking space, if you can find one. Yet, I see young people below the age of 50 doing it all the time on the perimeter routes around Atlanta and Birmingham.

I doubt that either of McCain's youthful potential opponents would willingly fly an airplane off the deck of an aircraft carrier and aim its bombs at a power plant in an enemy nation. True, McCain did that 40 years ago, but he's passed the point at which he might be tempted to do it again. Can either of his adversaries say the same?

You'd never catch me paddling through white water or hanging out with people who go around saying dumb things like "the federal government invented AIDS" and asking God to damn America. At 71, you know better.

You do lose a little short-term memory by the time you cross the 70s threshold, but that's a minor problem. The principle danger for a 71-year-old president would be the possibility that he might show up for a press conference with his fly unzipped, but that shouldn't be a major problem. Bill Clinton always managed to present himself to the public with clothing in proper array.

A 71-year-old may unzip as often as President Bill did, though for different reasons. But presidents have valets to make sure all zippers are up, shirt collars are buttoned down, socks are not black when they should be navy blue, and wingtips are both the same color. Miss Peggy always checks me out before I leave home, and by the time I'm on display before the public, my outfit is coordinated and my modesty is intact. I think if President McCain's valet and Secret Service people failed to notice an oversight, Cindy would quickly clue him in.

The short-term memory loss might come into play should the president find it necessary to nuke Iran. Memory can play tricks on you when you're in your 70s. You look at a familiar face and wonder, "Is the name John or James? Is she Joan or Jeanne?"

I can see an aging president calling his Secretary of Nuclear War and saying, "Launch an attack on Iraq," and then calling back 30 seconds later and saying, "Did I say Iraq? I meant Iran."

Maybe by then the big Minuteman would be heading over the North Pole, zeroed in on Baghdad instead of Tehran. But that would be no big deal. The only practical difference between Iraq and Iran is that one ends in a "q" while the other ends in an "n."

The difference between the two Koreas would be more significant. The North Koreans hate us because we flattened their country more than 50 years ago, but the South Koreans love us because we buy their Hyundais and Kias. If a president were to have a senior moment and take out South Korea instead of North Korea, at least it would solve a couple of Detroit's problems.

Some people are demanding that McCain make public all his medical records for the past five or six years. I would be embarrassed if somebody asked me to produce mine. I don't go to doctors unless I'm at death's door, which I'm not at this point. Therefore, I have no medical records to produce.

I don't know how useful McCain's age might be in predicting how long he would live in office. Ronald Reagan was 73 when he ran for his second term and he lived 20 years longer. John Kennedy was 43 when he ran for president, and he lived three years longer.

Please be assured that I have no intention of running for president. It's not that I'm afraid of pushing the wrong button in event of a nuclear attack. It's just that when I get up at 3 a.m., I don't want to be interrupted by a telephone call.

(Readers may write Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson SC 29621 or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@aol.com)