John Edwards' indiscretion puts Georgia on our minds

A funny column by Gene Owens.


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John Edwards' indiscretion puts Georgia on our minds

By Gene Owens

I'm been looking for an excuse not to write about John Edwards, whose political career is in remission now that he has admitted that he really did have sex with that woman while not fathering her child.

Thank goodness, the Kremlin has provided me with an excuse. It has invaded the sovereign state of Georgia, which has the United States government in a bind because, although it opposes Russian aggression, it was guilty of the same thing back in 1865.

You all remember the rapacity of one William Tecumseh Sherman, who laid waste the Georgia countryside, leaving Tara in ruins but sparing Tbilisi. Then he doubled back into South Carolina where he promised that he wouldn't burn Columbia. Nobody is accusing him of anything, but the city did go up in smoke, leaving the Palmetto State with a keen sense of distrust. Its legislature promptly enacted the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.

But that was 143 years ago. Now it's the Russians, not the Yankees, who are invading Georgia. It has something to do with a dispute over a place called South Ossetia, which I gather is somewhere near St. Petersburg, which is what Leningrad became after it moved to Tampa Bay. The dispute also involves Abkhazia, who I think is a football player from New Jersey who was coveted by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers but drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. All this information is coming from the Carl Rove Center for Media Accuracy.

Anyhow, the Russians felt like South Ossetia and Abkhazia were worth fighting for. I'm assuming that the Atlanta Braves are contemplating an evacuation, possibly to New Orleans. The Falcons are staying put, hoping that Michael Vick will be able to put together a pack of dogs that will keep the invaders at bay.

Being invaded is not a new experience for Georgia. The Yankee incursion of 1865 is perhaps best known because it was hyped by the movie "Gone With the Wind." But, truth to tell, the state has experienced a biennial invasion from its northern neighbor, Tennessee, whose Volunteers have been known to invade Georgia, often with devastating effect. Fortunately, they penetrate no farther than Athens, and the carnage is usually confined to a 100-yard strip between the hedges at Sanford Stadium.

We Bulldog fans are hoping that the nastiness between Russia and Georgia will be over and done with by Oct. 11, when the Volunteers ford the Tennessee River en route to Athens. We don't want to have to contend with Vladimir Putin and Phillip Fulmer at one and the same time.

The response of President George Bush is encouraging. He has made it clear that he will not tolerate a Russian presence in Georgia.

"We have urged an immediate halt to the violence and a stand-down by all troops," he said. "We call for an end of the Russian bombings." I'm pretty sure that will stop the Russians before the fateful October date.

I haven't heard from former President Jimmy Carter on the subject. At last report, he was nailing shingles on the roof of a home for the needy and couldn't come down for a Russian invasion of his home state. Besides, he probably figured that Fort Benning had enough helicopters to take care of the situation.

The Russian incursion has been roundly condemned by somebody named Mikheil Saakashvili, whom I believe to be a congressman from Atlanta. He says Russia has no business interfering with the affairs of a sovereign state, which is precisely the argument made by Governor Marvin Griffin back when Earl Warren was trying to dictate educational policies in Georgia.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey V. Lavrov accused Georgia of engaging in "ethnic cleansing" in South Ossetia, which is not true. So far as I can determine, the last instance of ethnic cleansing in Georgia was back during the 1980s, when the liberal media reported that Forsyth County up there near Atlanta was 100 percent white. As a result of the ethnic cleansing that took place after that, the 2000 census showed that only 95.5 percent of the people were white. I suspect that South Ossetia can put up similar numbers. The only ethnic cleansing Georgia is interested in now is to clear out all those Florida Gator fans from the part of the state just north of Jacksonville; the Florida State Seminole partisans from the area just north of the Panhandle and the Auburn Tiger fans from the Columbus area.

The Russians have accused Georgia of trying to join NATO. Obviously, the Russians are not familiar with our acronyms and have confused NATO with NASCAR, NCAA and the NAACP. The state is already well represented in those esteemed organizations.

Our best hope is that Russia will find Georgia to be another Afghanistan and will retreat to Moscow, leaving Uncle Sam to pacify the place.

Returning to the subject I've been trying to avoid: Back during the 1870s, presidential candidate Grover Cleveland was linked with a widow named Maria Halpin and her "love child." Grover was a bachelor and he had several married friends who also were chummy with Maria. So he nobly accepted responsibility for the child, even though he wasn't sure of his paternity. The electorate was tolerant, and after sending him to the White House, his supporters sang: "Hurrah for Maria, hurrah for the kid! We voted for Grover and we're glad that we did!"

The present case has similarities. A staff member for Edwards has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the child Edwards stands accused of fathering.

That's all grist for the tabloids. The real question: Should John Edwards be elected vice president, what would he advise the president to do about the invasion of Georgia?

(Readers may write Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson SC 29621, or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@AOL.com)